Darknessss

Hello darkness, my old friend
I've come to talk with you again
Because a vision softly creeping
Left its seeds while I was sleeping
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains

I knew she was upset. That was obvious when she had left the fires. I knew I needed to speak with her but it would be a hand later before that was possible. In that time I'd stayed among the pens helping to ready for the move, devoting my time to Me Too as well as the smaller circle of outer wagons where Duran and Petra's wagons were. I'd already whipped myself pretty soundly but wasn't going to run and hide from the chastisement of the elder. All in all I had thought it would go far worse than it did but then I have a lot to learn. This was much of what she told me. That didn't mean in my own youthful exuberance for life that I didn't think I already had all the answers. Some of what she said I had figured out, some were those pearls of wisdom I expected. Some I didn't want to accept but later would realize the well meaning logic and the love behind them. Some things ... I just flat out hoped she was wrong. A lot of it she wouldn't be but that didn't mean I couldn't hope. Do you remember being twenty-something and the well meaning advice that you didn't listen too?

There were a few things that I plucked from the treasure chest to give further thought. That was why she gave it to me ... to ponder things, turn them over and inspect them more closely. I had a darkness inside that I was beginning to emerge from. Spex can be so vague at times ... I wanted to know what .. I mean specifically. But I didn't ask. Instead I was more upset that she could see my thoughts, my dreams. It felt like an invasion in a way but this was going to be one of those things that later ... I would appreciate. I just didn't right now. I was already toeing up on a line there in trying to stand up for myself. I have kitten claws and that is a fact. She is a good momma gianni. She tapped me on the head pretty good but left me basically intact. Did she say I would 'never' find the love I was looking for or did she say she didn't see it right now? I heard the more finite adjective in my head whether she said it or not. ( a glass of water in a keyboard does terrible things to your attention span ... it does .. trust me )

Now where I went all fiesty and brave was the topic of love versus lust. Common sense should have told me to shut up and listen and I did ... in that I know what I'm doing and half of what you say is going in one ear and out the other kind of bravado. I was tired of throwing things at love and ending up on the other side of a wall of all the things I threw at it. What if it is love? It might be, it might not be. BUT What if it is? Build a strong foundation first so that all you place upon it doesn't topple with the first strong breeze.

She then handed me a jewel that I would be able to hang onto no matter what ... Tribe, Clan, Family .. then the rest. I polished it a little with my own decision not to throw things. It was well meaning on my part .. so maybe only a few little things ... the unbreakable stuff.

The drummer came up but I was too far steeped in the treasure chest pulling out baubles and trinkets to do more than wave on my way by. I would see him again a few days later. What happened then, I don't know how to explain but it was ... strange. Strange enough that later I would send word to Fonce or Kam. With the move happening that would not be something I could do myself ... I would have to send someone and you know how those third party filters can be. Who knows what it would say on the other end ... 'that fair haired woman is strange' and there would be a nod of agreement and everyone would go right on with life.