Darknessss

Hello darkness, my old friend
I've come to talk with you again
Because a vision softly creeping
Left its seeds while I was sleeping
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains

I knew she was upset. That was obvious when she had left the fires. I knew I needed to speak with her but it would be a hand later before that was possible. In that time I'd stayed among the pens helping to ready for the move, devoting my time to Me Too as well as the smaller circle of outer wagons where Duran and Petra's wagons were. I'd already whipped myself pretty soundly but wasn't going to run and hide from the chastisement of the elder. All in all I had thought it would go far worse than it did but then I have a lot to learn. This was much of what she told me. That didn't mean in my own youthful exuberance for life that I didn't think I already had all the answers. Some of what she said I had figured out, some were those pearls of wisdom I expected. Some I didn't want to accept but later would realize the well meaning logic and the love behind them. Some things ... I just flat out hoped she was wrong. A lot of it she wouldn't be but that didn't mean I couldn't hope. Do you remember being twenty-something and the well meaning advice that you didn't listen too?

There were a few things that I plucked from the treasure chest to give further thought. That was why she gave it to me ... to ponder things, turn them over and inspect them more closely. I had a darkness inside that I was beginning to emerge from. Spex can be so vague at times ... I wanted to know what .. I mean specifically. But I didn't ask. Instead I was more upset that she could see my thoughts, my dreams. It felt like an invasion in a way but this was going to be one of those things that later ... I would appreciate. I just didn't right now. I was already toeing up on a line there in trying to stand up for myself. I have kitten claws and that is a fact. She is a good momma gianni. She tapped me on the head pretty good but left me basically intact. Did she say I would 'never' find the love I was looking for or did she say she didn't see it right now? I heard the more finite adjective in my head whether she said it or not. ( a glass of water in a keyboard does terrible things to your attention span ... it does .. trust me )

Now where I went all fiesty and brave was the topic of love versus lust. Common sense should have told me to shut up and listen and I did ... in that I know what I'm doing and half of what you say is going in one ear and out the other kind of bravado. I was tired of throwing things at love and ending up on the other side of a wall of all the things I threw at it. What if it is love? It might be, it might not be. BUT What if it is? Build a strong foundation first so that all you place upon it doesn't topple with the first strong breeze.

She then handed me a jewel that I would be able to hang onto no matter what ... Tribe, Clan, Family .. then the rest. I polished it a little with my own decision not to throw things. It was well meaning on my part .. so maybe only a few little things ... the unbreakable stuff.

The drummer came up but I was too far steeped in the treasure chest pulling out baubles and trinkets to do more than wave on my way by. I would see him again a few days later. What happened then, I don't know how to explain but it was ... strange. Strange enough that later I would send word to Fonce or Kam. With the move happening that would not be something I could do myself ... I would have to send someone and you know how those third party filters can be. Who knows what it would say on the other end ... 'that fair haired woman is strange' and there would be a nod of agreement and everyone would go right on with life.

It's in the stars

See those two stars, the shiny ones?

Yes.

I think they shine brighter because they are together.

That could be.

The big one could be you and the small one could be me. We will always be together like the stars, right?

We may not always be together and there will be times that it seems like we are very far apart but here in our hearts we will always be close and shine bright together.

I could only marvel that a conversation with the woman that was the most brilliantly beautiful woman in the world to me would come full circle. The depth of meaning had once more been handed down, completing a lineage. It surprised me even greater that they had been shared with a restless, hot tempered ... arrogant Tuchuk and I melted with them. What was there to do but to begin making plans for the future, to insure that the promise behind them was kept? Had I not seen the bond between us forming, this strong, this fierce, so that he would become the single most important person in my life. That one that I would cry for, the one I would die for.

I don't know what rests in the heart of any other, only mine and what I can see shining on the face of young warrior. Where I came from, what I looked like or what my past had been didn't matter. We were two stars that shone bright together. He and I. There is no guile or veiled expectations to be found there .. just innocence and love .. the purest kind.

So many have said that perhaps the Sky sent me to be there for one lonely boy, that somehow I may have changed his life, but you see I understand now ... The Sky sent him to change mine.


~For My Little Dom

Three

Tribe ~ Clan ~ Family

As the Rain formed them so shall ...
The Winds test their strength
The Sky judge their efforts
The Bosk purge their heart
And The Grass whisper their destiny

May you always bring honor to the Tuchuk

The tamp of hand against skin became more audible until it filled in the empty space of air around me. The drums were sounding again and I lifted to my feet to hear them this time. Inattentiveness to the fangs of the mare allowed her to cut a fang into the leather skirt I wore. Such is the way of life among the kaiila clan. Most of our clothing had the look of a patch work quilt trying to mend the rips and shreds.

What carried in the echoes of those drums was news that would bring more pride than anything I had ever known. I had been accepted among the first wagons. The triumphance was unbelievable. Lifting my hands in the air, I spun about dancing and leaving a yelp in the wind, my offering on an altar to the Sky and giving thanks. I was surprised that Vao had crossed the pens with ground gobbling strides to be the first to offer welcome. First one then another of the handlers came, some with merely the light bend of their head as gesture, some with a hefty clap against my shoulder that almost toppled me from my boots. It would be a time of celebration among the clan wagons but for a few moments I stepped aside to let the full impact wash through me. I could now satnd with pride and every bit of arrogance to say .. I am Tuchuk.

There was more that the drums spoke of as well. Jai had earned the rank of Or. I was proud for him and when I spoke with him next I would tell him so. In the continuing of the message, it spoke of the move south. The time was growing near. I had mixed reactions to the return to the lower plains. It was the place of my beginnings here, a place where I had found love and threw it away, a place where I had served the will of men on my knees. There would be many preparations to have the tribe ready to proceed. Among the clan, there would be more. The new foals would have to be watched carefully. The herders had already begun to see all of the beasts had been ringed and equipment in good order. I would hold tight to the notion that those of the first wagons were steeply involved with the aspects of the trail south and that was why only two offered words of welcome. There was a gentle smile that many ... had long ago and merely were waiting for the drums to make it official.

Speak softly and carry ...

There is no line arrogant warrior and there is nothing wrong with my aim. It had been the grasp of my hair that turned me to rake a kiss that first stayed the return to my wagon.

Along with a bota of water, I was throwing everything that I could against the turmoil of feelings that had been manifesting inside. Maybe when I find you waiting for me, then I will think about whether you are serious and your aim would be better if it would make it to my lips each time. You are so beautiful. You haunt me. Soft spoken emotions too laden to be as thunderous as my heart, came confession, every where I went, everything I did .. I could see him, hear his voice.

The fierce backpeddling of fears, not wanting to be hurt was impacting in a tidal wave of forward thrust motion. I was falling head over heels. The resonance and the fold of strong arms around me now grounded me to a stand still. It is a curse. Of the myriads of endearing possibilities, that was definitely not what I wanted to hear.

Memory is selective and hearing can be too. I kept playing the evening over and over in my head, not letting it spiral with the fears added in to make it loom larger or worse than it seemed. Some things I did not hear until the wee ahns of the morning as my work joined that of others in delivering the difficult birth. I have tasted love but I have never felt anything like this.

It felt as if were killing me to pull away, to rein back and the bit was cutting deep. Yes, throw more at this .. this ... oh please skies ... every alarm system I had inside was clanging in full blare and there was a silencing shh from within that reached out to touch them gently. I had been about to ask something important when my words were hushed with more intimate gesture. My small fists had no more effect against the flat of a warrior's chest than the flutter of butterfly wings, especially when they were captured within the husk of larger ones to still them.

By the time the dawn broke over the horizon in fingerlet streams of light there would be a flood of thoughts that had filled every spare ihn of the time in between. It may surprise many to find what they comprised of most. Had it been entirely filled with the thoughts of the previous night? No, for as stirring as all that may have been, much of it was filled with something that touched me deeper ... Family. I am well aware that more than my appearance, I am different than most of those around me. Words spoken to me of another still haunt me ... the criteria for a mate. I am not Tuchuk by birth and proselyte is not a given cure for the predjudices of keeping a race pure. Nor did it mean that I was immune from the affectations of being human, a female one at that.

Once the new foal was settled and I knew that the mare would live, I went looking for Fonce or Kam to speak with them, when I couldn't find them, I sent message. I would stand and face my actions. There is a saying that a man who respects a woman does not know what to do with her. There are some who believe that is what the Tuchuk feel as well, but among them, respect is spoken in almost every conversation every day, of the Sky, of the Bosk, of Family, of Free men and of Free women. It has deep meaning to them, it has deep meaning to me. There were many who had stood for me, believing in me and it was my respect for them and myself that I did not wish to dishonor any of them.

I doubt many would realize that I no longer went beyond the perimeter of the wagons after dusk and that my ventures anywhere were shadowed. Even now as I rode to the outcrop overlooking the stream, they were patient with me, remaining a short distance away while I perched on the flatter part of the rise. In the moss crusted dirt along the surface, the tip of my finger left an image.

This night ...

I will remember

Its ears perked up as if they lifted the beast's head with them but it was long before the lonesome tone filled the air. One song then another joined in like a choir ... a choir of sleens howling. Ebet loosed the clip on Malign's chain setting him free for the hunt. Duran did his sleen as well. The animals were off in a wash of shadows with Ebet falling behind as he followed. Duran merely grinned and muttered .. 'they'll come home wagging their tails behind them', then turned up his bota for another swig.

It wasn't the far away cries of the sleen packs that brought me to the main fires ... it was the absence of sound at my own ... the quiet. I'd gotten so used to hearing the yaps and growls of the creatures so that without them everything felt hollow. I was pleased to see a few already there and soon the two singers joined. With a gathering like that what better way to spend the eve than music? The drum I'd fashioned from a dried gourd and stretched hide now rested in an arrogant Tuchuk's lap, the kaiila handler took up her flute and the Ubara stood to sing. It was all so truly moving it brought tears to my eyes.

Slowly the crowd began to dwindle away then I turned to speak to one of the warriors before heading to my small circle of wagons. One day, I would like to hear how he felt of the skies. However politely quiet the evening had been, the anger was clearly visible now. No man wishes to hear of other men and there wasn't any real argument that I could offer. That didn't mean my own temper didn't find a few. They just weren't real arguments. He would know when I was serious. Neither of us were listening but the best way to shut a woman up is to kiss her ... isn't it? I still did not leave well enough alone. Alright then. I can say that I spoke up this time then had to stand there watching as he walked away ... standing there dazed, hurt, confused and trying to quell both the anger and the frustration. If this was dancing, we sure were stepping all over each others feet.

I'm not sure how long it was before Barkh came and shook my arm. One of Holo's sons was ready to enter this world and the mare was in trouble. While I broke the silvery white veil away from the new foal, Rusty and three others had to rock the mother to get her back up on her feet. Her weakened condition worried me but at least both she and the babe had survived.

The sky though cold and crisp had been dry, but on the inside it just kept raining. I'd seen the day from the rise of the central fire until it rose again the next, from the training of a very special colt to the birth of a new foal ... This night ... I will remember.

When you don't know whether to laugh or cry ....

Dance

Days went by that I saw very little of anyone from the first fires. I have no complaint, the kaiila were good company. Creatures that generally don't care much for being close to one another, didn't seem to mind as they buffeted each other to surround me. A rub here on a flank or a scuff of fingers there along a maw ... I was loving it and had to give serious thought now and then to who was the greater attention whore ... them or me. It was such a tightly knit cluster that I had to shove one away to put salve on another one's wound. Ahhh, to be so loved.

I have to admit that worry urt syndrome I have rose to a crescendo when Cana began blanket training Ciegue even when we fell into the easy back and forth banter that we share. Would it be alright if I went for a ride with one of the warriors? I was going to make sure after seeing how much trouble another freewoman got into the other day. See I didn't have all of the facts, there had been a reason why everyone was so upset, just as there was reason she went. Yes, it would be alright, just follow my instincts. I had to admit right then and there, that sometimes instincts can get clouded, like when you kiss a warrior. We covered the do's and don'ts of kissing, whether you are supposed to smack them or something. It was a relief to find out that it is not a punishable offense especially if you want it to happen again. I opened up that there was a warrior that I had kissed .. one that I liked .. one I liked a lot but I thought a friend of mine liked him.

Somehow she knew which one I referred to and that surprised me. Was I so ready to close a gate before seeing what was on the other side? I felt she cared for him and I would never stand in the way of her happiness. Her gentle spoken reassurances began to put me at ease as she told me she had felt that way of Tayco long ago. She had been sure that he cared for another, one that was beautiful, graceful, more accomplished. That was something I could definitely identify with, especially the part about feeling awkward, naive, and foolish. I was rattling off one of those long winded lists .. of why it was not going to work out anyway ... he has a big family, I've never been around so many, he doesn't stop being arrogant to sit and listen ... and sometimes I just want to kiss him to shut him up. Did I ever think he teases me just to see how I would react? Sometimes I want to take a water bota and smack him upside the head with it. Yes? Then do it, but practice at that aim first. She said it sounded like we had begun the dance. "I think you care for him more than you are saying." Shame I didn't have a bota to throw at her when I protested ... I Do Not!

I was still floating on all that pent up energy and maybe ... hope later when I made it to the fires. It was a midday of laughter and jests among friends. The good naturedness of being within a gathering of people that you feel comfortable with makes you want to let your hair down. Among the harigga, for a woman to do that it is a shame punishable by slavery. I didn't pull the tether from my hair but I did not speak up .. did not speak out when the camaraderie went too far.

It began with a playful gesture, sneaking up to cover the eyes of a warrior got me tossed to his lap more by reflex than anything I believe. There was laughter that it took less time to scramble out than it did for me to fall in. It was not the greatest faux pas of the day nor was it the least. The antics of a child tossing an urt into my lap ... a woman that may like osts and spiders but has a phobia of urts ... was a grand source of amusement. I danced over almost the entire encampment in trying to get away ... that included warriors. Hands that reached for places that didn't need hands may have been moved away from but ... I didn't say anything to stop ... any of it.

All in all, the peels of giggles, squeals. snickers, knee-slappers, guffaws had felt wonderful but the trickle down effect would be resounding.

I'm not afraid ... to dream

Dreams are everything we want most in our lives,
not just today but our tomorrows,
to face the challenges the sky gives us
with honor, strength and pride
to know that our families are safe, well fed,
and we can provide for their needs
that we give back to the sky,
the grass and the bosk as they have given
to watch as our children grow
and begin to have their own dreams
Dreams are these things and more.
When two share the same dreams
It is a tale yet to be told

I am a dreamer

Painting Dreams

is a wonderful way of sharing



The next morning was filled with hurry and get everything dones. Ramza was going to stop by the wagons around midday and the fun would begin. Petra was roasting some of the fresh meat while the boys darted in, around and about the rows with their war games when the man arrived with his sack of goodies. The excitement had built all day so that when he pulled out the jars of paint, I raced up the platform to gather what few colors I had as well.

I could tell he had given this all a great deal of thought. It wasn't long before the central fire began to rise and cross the sky to set near the rear in washes of wondrous hues on the canvas side. The myriads of hand prints had been incorporated into the imagery and as my hand added its own touches, a meadow of flowers bloomed in an area of the tall grasses. I made sure the beautiful floral print that blue had added was tucked smack dab in the middle of the other blossoms. Since my favorite color is the same as the twilight ... that not quite blue and not quite black shade. This was the jar that Ramza took to begin a rendering of a dark blue kaiila watching the vista as the day ended.

I stood there in awe of it when Silk and the children stopped by. Each was given a jar of their own while we talked.The importance of my little dream wagon was explained to her, that it is a symbol of all that have touched my life and she liked the idea. I call it my dream wagon and wanted her to be part of it. I'm proud of the doodly yellow images that now grace the side along with the rest. Wily had already added his little abstract some hands back ... one long red swipe as he ran by but then that is Wily ... the breaded Tuchuk. The twins gave a half dozen or more of their touches before Mia came back with yellow paint dripping from her braids. A rep went to work mopping at the juicier parts as we talked. She wanted yellow hair and at first I thought it was to match mine but she had a good case of pappa missing that wrenched at the very core of me. She wanted her hair to look like Jerus'. We spoke for a while of the softer things that little girls need to hear from someone besides their mothers.

I can only hope that my words could offer some salve to the loneliness of a child that misses a lost parent. I know that as I spoke with her, I took part of her words as well as my own to cherish.

Sleens and Larls and Kurs ...

It is a judgment maim'd and most imperfect
That will confess perfection so could err
Against all rules of nature, and must be driven
To find out practises of cunning hell,
Why this should be

Othello

Discussions the following morning with Kam began of his having noted sleen and larl tracks beyond the perimeter of the camp. Although he did not seem to find them of much worry, a party would be sent out to investigate further. When my queries about the larl was met that it was similar to the one that plagued my dreams, I actually offered to go with the hunters as a tracker.

There was that hint of amusement when he asked what clan was I of anyway ... kaiila or hunters? Once again, there was that absent minded reach to touch the back of my shoulder while I answered that though a prospect of the kaiila clan, I did have other talents. Such as? Well for one being a worry urt, the other possibly my ability to get into trouble. And no that was probably not subject to change anytime soon. I had not meant that as a self fulfilling prophesy. I am surprised ... looking back that I did not pick up on the evidence of threes when the man told me .. things will happen as they should. Once is just that, twice is most apt to be a coincidence, thrice is time to pay attention. I wasn't paying attention.

Speaking of which, I was in the process of asking about "curiosities", when Silk arrived. Between the greeting of his charge and the seriousness of unfinished details the two had, he shot a quick retort at me that there was nothing wrong with curiosities as long as they did not land me back in steel. I had plenty of time to digest that while he spoke with the woman for going on a ride. I did not know all of the whats and whys so the threat of a good tanning caught me off guard. Jumping to conclussions without having all of the facts would be a lesson that would return to me later as well. Once her guardian was satisfied with Silk's answer, everything smoothed over ... at least for them. Case closed.

I gave more intent musings over what the man had said about the larl than anything. I wanted to see any that the hunters returned with. I needed to sate my curiosity that there were no more like the first two ... still out there and if so ... it would be taken down quickly before its curse could touch any more of the lives here.

Its no wonder my dreams did not go well that night. Once more I was one of the sleens running with the pack. The howling songs filled the air as we went after fresh prey, though after the kill, the blood frenzy turned one against another.

Pucker Up

The ponies run, the girls are young,
The odds are there to beat.
You win a while, and then it’s done
Your little winning streak.
And summoned now to deal
With your invincible defeat,
You live your life as if it’s real,
A Thousand Kisses Deep.
~Leonard Cohen

The hunts had gone well for all of the various parties that had gone out. There would be no worry of running out of food when the trail south began this time. Me Too and Vao brought in one each as did Duran's First and Third son. Ebet had as well. Add those to the that others returned with and it meant that I remained busy along the outer wagons helping to skin, butcher and season until well into the eve.

It is not often I actually stay within for any length of time and this night was no exception. The vestiges of darkened red were scrubbed away as quickly as I could, making sure I had gotten each and every spot. kasra had come many hands ago to help alter some of the garments Akasha and Cana had sent and I had even plied my own hand to a skirt or two. This night I had chosen one made of a softened tabuk skin. The blouse was nothing out of the ordinary but it fit well without swallowing me whole.

Every step I made along the side of the stream I had to slow my strides. I wasn't really going anywhere except on the same long walk next to the bank that I did every night. Still I would find my feet almost running. It would not be where the swell of the bank had caved in that would be my final destination. The sound of voices came from a place further down the stream.

The gathering was small and close knit, consisting of those I called friends. I was pleased to see Tzuri among them. I hadn't known what to give her as a joining gift and whether she knows that my stores are meager or not, she graciously said that lessons with the kaiila would suit her well. As I watched her and listened to her, I realized that she was someone I would genuinely like to know.

There was a good bit of teasing being offered to Ba'atar about his wound and feminine wiles being plied to coerce him into having it finally seen to. That 'I'll show you mine, if you show me yours', wasn't working as he hoped but he agreed in exchange for kisses. When he tried to hedge I offered two ... one was for having to drink Falon's tea.

When it came time to pay up, I stood back to allow the others up in front of me. It was hard to breathe and my hands felt clammy and damp. I hoped .. oh, I hoped no one would notice. On top of this, it felt like ice daggers each time I watched the bestowals of the other women, even if they were purely chaste. My first pay off landed along his jaw when he wasn't looking, the second pristine one lingered against his cheek. I barely heard the rest of the conversations, outside of his suggestion that I needed to improve my aim.