Just Ride Part Two

The next day I went to find the commander. There were too many things running through my head to leave swirling in elliptical spirals. So many of these things I would speak to my guardian about but no one had seen him for some time. Who would have thought I would be willing and actually eager to talk with Fonce? I was or would be but it would have to be Kam that bore the brunt of a young woman's confusion. I figured it would be a good excuse to start with the plans for the ride to the meadow. Now I know better than to mess with Kam and try to hash words with him and got a good reminder of not to. Yes, he thought it would be fine for Ramza and I to go for a ride and yes, he saw no harm in going with Duran and Sage to the caravan. I could bring back whatever we found.

I was the one that exposed the jugular and the predator pounced in thirstily. I worry. Those that know me know I am compulsive at it but it was the elder that slit that wide open to find what was inside of it ... I was worried ... about ... it all came flooding out as if he had hit an artery ... whether my coming to the tribe had not been a good thing. Adapting to the superstitions of the Tribe perhaps I was the reason for all of the hardships that had been experienced in the past few seasons. Did I feel that way as a free person or all together and how did I come to this way of thinking? Now that caught me off guard as it often does when you expose light into the shadowy recesses of darkness You could almost hear the screeching, scritching of creepy crawlies run scattering back to where they came from.

I tripped all over my female logic trying to explain about sleepless nights and having a .. feeling then launched right into how Tribe was important to me and that I wanted only what was best for my people even if that meant I wasn't good for them, then maybe I should ... It had sounded good in my head but saying it all out loud it made no sense whatsoever. Told you that self pity does not look good on me, didn't I? As if he were untangling threads of an impossible knot, he began to draw out each point away from the others. My eyes were open now to a whole new world and still I couldn't digest it. Well true but I would not return to a collar. I did not have it within me, I am quiet spoken much too often for my own good but I was not a slave at heart. There was that mask without visible emotion when he simply said .. and still you are unsure of yourself. Could I argue that? Probably not but ... I did.

I had learned a great deal in the past seasons and knew I had much more to learn. Whatever courage I was managing to screw upward from the depths was left deflated when he lay a half question, half statement out ... that now I knew the difference between being a slave and a free woman. I wanted to scream at him .. dammit I was betrayed, I was lied to, the guidelines of the tribe had been violated just as I had been when a warrior grabbed me .. me ... a prospect at the time ... and raped a kiss from me, illiciting emotions that I had not wanted to give in the beginning. I wanted to cry out of the injustices of not having known it wasn't proper and my actions covered and given absolution but now .. now dammit .. I was the one having to face all that had transpired and be held for my actions ... mine and no one else. Instead it was more a quiet confession than a volatile confidence .. yes .. I knew the differences.

Well that had not gone as I wanted it, to be sure. Did I want him to be wrong? Did I want to manipulate him into saying all the things I wanted to hear? No, but I wanted to be right. I just wasn't.

I'm female without a doubt. When I left him, I was angry. I was hurt. I was frustrated to no end but I was grateful that he had given me many things to think about. Revelation of what he had meant would come with time but for now he dismissed me to go and prepare.

At the time I had thought he was talking about the ride.